Hi! My name is Chanan D.
I am a gratefully recovering sexaholic. I am sober by the grace of God since March 21, 2019, and I call the Jerusalem, Israel fellowship my home.
My disease caused me to confuse reality with fantasy – to believe that the figments of my imagination are of true substance. And without help it was near impossible for me to distinguish between the true and the false.
In my disease I believed it was perfectly reasonable to lie to my wife about my whereabouts, skip classes, and to stay home to watch pornography and masturbate for hours. I believed it was perfectly normal to judge my wife for her shortcomings, blame her for our problems, and resent her when she expressed her needs or pointed out my defects.
Everyone does, no?
I am eternally grateful for the Loving Guidance that brought me to Sexaholics Anonymous. I really thought I had one problem – pornography and masturbation. It turns out that I had many more problems lurking beneath the surface. SA taught me I had a spiritual malady – a disease which makes me uncomfortable with who I am, and with the life God has provided for me. I came to realize as well that I just used my “drug” – lust – to cover up those uncomfortable feelings and attitudes.
Lust is a subtle foe, and even in recovery there have been times when it seemed overwhelming and confusing, such as in the bedroom.
Before joining SA, my wife and I did not have an enjoyable sex life. This was mostly because I was passive-aggressively manipulating my wife into doing what I wanted, when I wanted it. We rarely, ( if ever) discussed sex or what we did in the bedroom. I would be aroused primarily if she played out the fantasies I was accustomed to seeing in pornography. If sex was not available, or if we tried to be together and for some reason it didn’t work out, I became moody, angry, resentful, and non-communicative.
By the grace of God, working the Steps, and adopting new attitudes towards my wife and towards sexuality, I have been experiencing what is (for me) nothing short of a series of miracles. Today my wife and I enjoy emotional intimacy before engaging in sexual intimacy. For me that is of primary importance. But it is vital for me to surrender lust in the bedroom before, during, and after sex:
Before
I let my wife dictate how frequently we are together – I spent enough time before recovery trying to control that. I also surrender and pray to be free of any and every expectation of sexual pleasure.
During
I pray to God to help me focus on simply being present, to act selflessly, and to remain focused on giving to her. I listen with my ears to what she is saying, and I am attuned to body language and non-verbal cues.
Afterwards
I remain together with my wife for a time, I don’t rush out of the bedroom immediately, on to the next thing. Throughout that day and usually the next day as well, I surrender as necessary the memories and images in my mind from being with my wife.
Today, life is so much better than it ever was before joining SA. I no longer have to resort to pornography, masturbation, or sexual fantasy as means of escape from the life God has given me. I enjoy emotional and physical intimacy with my wife, and God is with us in our home. And I know life can only get better.
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