Priority Number One

At the time of this writing, I am grateful to be sexually sober for 4 months. That’s great. The problem is that I’ve been going to SA meetings for over 5 years.

“So what the hell happened?!”, you may ask. Or, more bluntly, “Why aren’t you sober for 5 years today since you walked in the door?” Great question. I’ll try to answer it in the next few paragraphs.

When I walked through the door of my first SA meeting I was scared out of my mind. I was sick and tired of doing things that I didn’t want to do anymore – pornography and masturbation. I knew I had a problem, so I was willing to spend at least an hour traveling each way to the Jerusalem SA meetings to get relief from the pain and suffering I was in. Lo and behold, I stayed sober! I came to meetings, took service positions, followed directions (most of the time), and enjoyed real fellowship! It was great.

But I “failed to enlarge my spiritual life”. I didn’t really make the Steps a way of life. After about a year and a half of sobriety, I started letting lust in the door. Slowly; gradually; insidiously; the whole time telling myself, “Well, it’s not really porn, it must be ok!” Or worse, “Well I didn’t masturbate to orgasm, so I’m still sober!” The denial, the self deception, the depths of the delusional thinking were really baffling. So it’s unsurprising that after 2.5 years of attending SA meetings, I finally did the deed: I lost my sobriety “officially” by masturbated to orgasm, and continued on the spree for another week and a half.

Then I told myself I was really done. That’s it! I was finally done with all of this FOR GOOD! Now I was ready to stop. (At least, that’s how I felt at the time). After a very difficult disclosure to my wife, I got serious about recovery. I went back to my home group, took whatever service positions were available, and threw myself into Step work with the guidance of a sponsor. I really prioritized the work, did all 12 Steps in a few months and was ready to save the world, one sexaholic at a time. I had arrived now. I was sober and clean, and I could never relapse again. Or so I thought.

This time, however, I saw that my disease had progressed. My lust has changed. It couldn’t be satisfied anymore with mere images on a screen. It began looking for different sources of lust – flirting, emotional connections with other women, perusing social media for dating apps, and possible hookups with other women in my area. I realized I longed to be lusted after as well. I had never done these things before, and was quite shocked – but it nevertheless drew me along, slowly; incessantly.

Our disease is “cunning, baffling, and powerful – and very patient” (WB p. 72)! And it caught me hook, line and sinker. The same justifications and rationalizations came back. I consoled myself that I was still technically sober. And so I was, for two and a half years. Hogwash. I was lying to myself, to my wife and to my whole group. I then found myself sharing sexually explicit text messages with a married woman, and after a week and a half of that, I finally did the deed – I acted out again. This time with a real person.

“Pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization” describes my morning after pretty well. If someone had asked me even a few weeks beforehand if I’d ever do this, my answer would have been a resounding: “No! I would never do that! Maybe the other guys in the program, but not me! I would never sink so low!” If I could take back what I did, I would do so in a heartbeat. And that is when I learned, for me, the true meaning of powerlessness – doing something that I thought I would never, ever do, and then being filled to the brim with pain and regret at having done it. I learned in that moment that I was doomed to destroy my life and that of those around me if I didn’t get help for my disease – FAST.

I jumped into working the Steps with every fiber of willingness I had in me. I got a new sponsor who called and continues to call me out on my crap. I worked the Steps like my life depended on it (’cause it does). I went (and continue to go to) three face-to-face meetings a week. I learned what real surrender meant: letting go of everything that wasn’t serving my recovery. I had to let go of YouTube, Netflix, Facebook, the news, political podcasts — all the things that were just feeding my lust, my resentments, and blocking me from my Higher Power. I began practicing rigorous honesty and acceptance in every area of my life.

Today I insist on making the Steps and the actions of the program my number one priority in my life. I don’t do it perfectly – far from it! But I do it. Even when I don’t want to, or it’s too late, or I’m tired, or I’m feeling lazy and self centered. I think to myself, “Was I too tired to lust or act out? Never.”

Today, I let the steps of the program change my way of thinking and my attitudes. I do that by taking the actions of love and service, as indicated by my sponsor, by other sober trusted members of SA, or by the small, still voice that can faintly be heard in the serene stillness.

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