Steps 6, 7, 10, and 11 can be challenging for me. They require commitment, consistency, and honesty. It took me 2 years to even get a minimum understanding of these steps. Steps 6 and 7 are hard for me – recognizing I have a character defect doesn’t mean it’s leaving me yet. Steps 10 and 11 are hard for me because I find it difficult to work them every day. I think these four Steps are all connected because I have character defects that follow me around, which cause me to need a daily review and daily connection with my Higher Power.
Recently I’ve been struggling with impatience. I am an impulsive person – I want what I want, when I want it. This character trait serves me well in particular situations. I get things done, I am reliable, and I am available – I’m always checking my phone. But impatience also drives me crazy! I can be snappy; I lose my serenity easily when I don’t get what I want, and a good percentage of the world isn’t working at 2x speed. So I need to slow down a bit, I need to calm down, and I need to breathe.
In these past few weeks, my HP has sent me the perfect challenge for my impatience – I’ve been offered 2 jobs! Sounds good, right? Well, here’s the catch – I need to choose one of them, and both of my potential bosses are taking their time getting back to me! I’ve been out of a job for 3 days now. I’m sitting around, waiting for one of them to answer my questions about their offer. Then we’ll need to sign a contract, and to top it off, there is a 3-day holiday later this week. A week and half have already gone by since this whole process began. Essentially, I must wait, I must be patient, and I must accept the things I cannot change.
How do I work the Steps at this moment? For me, it’s going to be 6, 7, 10, and 11. Through 6 and 7 I need to humbly ask G-d to remove my impatience and replace it with patience. I need to ask this of G-d over and over and accept that I don’t know when this will be removed from me. I humbly ask G-d to remove from me the image I have painted in my head of how this situation should progress. I get on my knees when I am most afraid, and ask G-d to remove the need for instant gratification from me, and replace it with faith, love, and acceptance.
Then come 10 and 11. Part of 10 and 11 is already covered in 6 and 7, because I have now done my daily maintenance and given it over to G-d. But don’t worry – there’s still more to do. In Step 10, I challenge myself – where am I right in this situation, and where am I wrong? When I let resentment grow at these potential bosses, is it justified anger? Even if it is justified, can I handle anger? No, I can’t handle resentments; I can’t carry a self-righteous gun in my heart, shooting everyone in my path. I can’t stay sober that way. So, I need to surrender the anger. That’s when I go to Step 11. I ask G-d to surrender the anger and show me the right next action. The greatest antidote to impulsivity is the right next action. I do G-d’s will in tiny steps and try to only make big decisions when I am serene and calm.
I will not have all the answers. I don’t know which boss will get back to me. I don’t know where I will be working next week, or if I’ll be working at all. But I’m learning to have faith in the journey. The G-d that brought me here, that gave me both these offers, will be the G-d who will help me in a week from now. There is so much more to say, so many more tools I have learned. But I’ll leave it here for now.
Have a great day,
Allison
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