Positivity isn’t fluffy or easy. I used to view “positive” sobriety that way. What I really needed was to toughen up, stop making excuses, and get to work. No more games! I am now sober by the grace of God for 2 years and almost 3 months, and in my journey I have come to the place where real recovery can only come if it’s truly positive.
“Positive” doesn’t mean smiling and pretending that everything is OK. Positive means being proactive, taking action, and focusing on the solution. It means putting a lot of work into opening myself up to receiving love from God, myself and others. Merely “not acting out”, controlling others in the name of sponsorship, and compulsively taking action after action in the name of recovery has worn off. That doesn’t work for me anymore. It just doesn’t.
I need a solution and a connection to find what I am looking for in my fantasies, control, fear, escapism, lust, and self pity. I went to those things to help me live. It was reactive and exhausting. Today I choose to live better. My fears, obsessions, compulsions and lust are actually driven by a tremendous lack of security and love. Nowadays I put a lot of work into getting that security and love from my Loving Higher Power.
First I establish a connection with my Loving Higher Power by working the Twelve Steps, going to meetings, speaking to and following the directions of my sponsor, sponsoring others, doing service in the groups, being part of the fellowship, and also getting outside help. I maintain it by continuing to do all those things daily, especially practicing steps 10, 11, and 12; and trying to do God’s Will just for today.
I talk to God a lot. He is my father, and king. Sometimes He’s also a friend and or even a spouse! Recently He has also become my event/vacation planner. But other days He’s just simply a Higher Power. God has a lot to offer me, and as I try to bring him into my life, accept his love for me and try to do His Will, my life gets better and better. The more I trust God and practice courageously loving myself and doing His Will, the more serenity and joy I get. The more I focus on growing spiritually towards God and others, and let Him take care of my needs, the more I can enjoy and appreciate my life.
This journey in recovery is a beautiful and exciting one. I say “journey”, because that’s exactly what it is. I once thought when I would get to a few months, or a year or two of sobriety, then I would have all the answers to life and I would have no issues. As I continue along this path I’ve realized that there are no secrets. There’s no such thing as having no problems. This is simply a journey. I like to look at this process as simply “me growing up”. This perspective allows me to not get caught up on the small things, and helps me appreciate the challenges and struggles along the way.
A friend once told me that at one of his first meetings, an old-timer wished him a “slow and long recovery”. A slow and long recovery. I don’t need to and can’t figure this all out in one day. Relax. Love myself and others. Enjoy. Have fun. I am recovering from living a fear-driven, perfectionistic life. Love and joy isn’t fluffy – it’s the most courageous way I can live today!
Lust is just a symptom. In the beginning I was just trying to stop acting out, but now my recovery actually has very little to do with lust. I try to go deep inside myself, to bring the light and warmth of God and others in. By doing so my life can be beautiful. This is a constant process. And that’s what truly positive recovery means to me.
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