{"id":919,"date":"2022-01-31T13:37:37","date_gmt":"2022-01-31T13:37:37","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.sa-israel.org\/en\/?p=919"},"modified":"2022-01-31T13:52:42","modified_gmt":"2022-01-31T13:52:42","slug":"drip-disclosure-or-how-not-to-disclose","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.sa-israel.org\/en\/drip-disclosure-or-how-not-to-disclose\/","title":{"rendered":"Drip Disclosure – or, How Not to Disclose"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

Few things can so damage the possibility of healing in the family as a premature confession to spouse or family where sacred bonds and trust have been violated\u2026 Great caution is advised here.<\/em><\/p>– Sexaholics Anonymous, p. 3<\/cite><\/blockquote>\n\n\n\n

Note: I can only speak from my own experience. I recommend checking with your sponsor before attempting any sort of disclosure.<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

In SA, to \u201cdisclose\u201d means to tell anyone outside the program about my addiction and acting-out behaviors. My wife didn\u2019t know about many things I had done before we met. I had continued to act out even after our marriage. And when I joined the program, It wasn\u2019t long before I felt I needed to get honest with her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

However, I did it in the worst way possible.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

I did it in a non-truthful, non-sober, non-recovered way.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

First I just blurted out to my wife that I’m a sex addict. I then lied to her about the different things I did or didn’t do. Then in my fear, I hurriedly tried to tell her things to make her feel good – I never acted out that way<\/em>. Other people do that, but not me! Am I not a wonderful person?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That was hard enough on her.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

But a few months later, a few more things from my past came up. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

And after some time, even more things. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

My wife quickly learned she could never trust that I had told her the whole truth.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

There always might be more.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

I once heard someone use the term “drip disclosure”. Like a drip coffee machine – it comes out slowly over time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It was a long while before I finally told her all<\/em> of my story.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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<\/div>\n\n\n\n

Looking back, I wasn’t truthful because I didn’t know how to. Fear was controlling me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I tried being honest with my wife, that inner terror would flare up. Within a split second I would start frantically rationalizing. “This is none of her business  – this has nothing to do with her – if she knows I’ll die!”<\/em>. I just couldn\u2019t say the words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I was totally controlled by fear. I didn’t know how to be more truthful. That was a great excuse the first and second times, but it kept happening. I just couldn\u2019t do it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over time in program, I learned to be more truthful. I learned to identify those fears as they popped into my head. I learned how to “stop, drop, and roll” and be connected to reality and give those fears to God.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

<\/div>\n\n\n\n

If a sponsee asked me how to disclose now, I think the proper way to do it is:<\/p>\n\n\n\n